I can't exactly put my finger on why, but this past week, I spiraled pretty deeply and quickly into the blackness/blankness of depression. I've been depressed before, but the quickness with which this hit me was alarming. I've gotten into bed by 7:30 pm at least twice this week. I've had one night where instead of sleeping through the night, I experienced the joy of not being able to fall asleep, but not being able to stop crying, for at least 5 hours. I also don't think I've eaten dinner any day this week, I just haven't had an appetite.
I've been facing some stressful issues at work that are part of a systemic problem that I can't figure out how to fix. My job is to make sure the company does "X" and it was made pretty clear to me that the executives have no interest in doing "X". So my entire existence here is pointless, huh? OK. It doesn't help that there are also some conflicts within my department and I'm not bringing the best attitude to the table.
In my personal world, there has been absolutely nothing going on. No hanging out with friends, no dating, no nothing. Which was fine with me until Monday, when this state of affairs got stuck in my mind and I determined that I was going to die alone. If I'm alone now, I'll be alone forever. Ugh - I hate projecting like this, but I just couldn't stop myself this week.
I'm hoping that I'll do a better job of taking care of myself this weekend and upcoming week. I know that there are certain things I can do that will help me feel better, but when I'm in a funk, I don't want to do them. For example, I know working out would help my mood, but just the thought of putting on exercise clothes overwhelms me, and I tell myself that I don't have the energy to exercise - sleeping would be a better option.
I'd like to reverse this feeling, so I won't be stuck in this rut for long. This is not a place I want to be.
I've been facing some stressful issues at work that are part of a systemic problem that I can't figure out how to fix. My job is to make sure the company does "X" and it was made pretty clear to me that the executives have no interest in doing "X". So my entire existence here is pointless, huh? OK. It doesn't help that there are also some conflicts within my department and I'm not bringing the best attitude to the table.
In my personal world, there has been absolutely nothing going on. No hanging out with friends, no dating, no nothing. Which was fine with me until Monday, when this state of affairs got stuck in my mind and I determined that I was going to die alone. If I'm alone now, I'll be alone forever. Ugh - I hate projecting like this, but I just couldn't stop myself this week.
I'm hoping that I'll do a better job of taking care of myself this weekend and upcoming week. I know that there are certain things I can do that will help me feel better, but when I'm in a funk, I don't want to do them. For example, I know working out would help my mood, but just the thought of putting on exercise clothes overwhelms me, and I tell myself that I don't have the energy to exercise - sleeping would be a better option.
I'd like to reverse this feeling, so I won't be stuck in this rut for long. This is not a place I want to be.
How about calling or visiting a friend? Sometimes talking things through with someone you trust can help clear the fog, brainstorm solutions you wouldn't consider on your own, give you a boost of energy/renewed confidence, and help you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI hope the depression passes soon. *hugs*
Thanks Single Ma. I've scheduled an appt with my bestie for tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to the talk, but I'm also trying to get a handle on my personal triggers, and figure out what steps I can take to move away from the edge. Thanks for the hugs, and for checking in.
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